I think it might be best if you start off knowing who I really am, no pretenses.

I am angry, anxious, perfectionist, controlling, prideful, insecure, and fear-filled. And I am a Christian.  Who loves God desperately and with my whole being.

I used to be told I couldn’t be both. Then I felt shame, guilt and more insecurity. So I would try harder, go to more bible studies, read the bible more, beg the Lord to change me, and never felt like anything was changing. So I’d beat myself up. Like a weird Christian loop of trying to be better but only feeling worse.

Then God.

Then I started to go right to the source.  To God.  In prayer. Without the pretenses. Just messy me. As I am. I stopped trying to be what I thought He wanted me to be, and just starting being ME. I talked. I complained. I wept. I yelled. I even cursed at Him. Yep, cursed, in prayer. I think maybe if we haven’t cursed at God in prayer, we aren’t really being ourselves. God can handle our anger.

You know what happened? He didn’t smite me! He didn’t even make me feel like I was a disappointment or like I was not a “good Christian”. My time with him left me feeling loved.  SO LOVED. Wholly and completely loved, as I am.

Then God AGAIN.

Something shifting inside of me.

With God’s love, I have started to change. Through His love. Not through my desperation or by some formula or checklist. Through His love. I am changing. Messy…not perfect…but LOVED. AS. I. AM. And now His LOVE is ushering in the change I attempted before to manufacture or achieve.

Now God is my best friend. He hears my complaints and keeps my secrets and makes me feel better about myself when I am having a hard day. He is my love. Like the world’s most perfect husband in the way he hears me, sees me, and makes me feel cherished. And He is my father who makes me feel like he is proud of me. He guides me and teaches me with such incredible patience and kindness. I love every day I get to spend with him. I love walking with him and getting coffee with him. He is the literally THE BEST.

And now we chat all the time. Yes, he talks. How do I hear him? Well, I had to learn to let go again of what everyone else was saying. So many voices that made me doubt. There are lots of haters out there. I hope you aren’t one. Anyway, in 2022 he asked me: a work-a-holic, not perfect perfectionist, who struggles to control the world around her because she longs to feel safe instead of afraid…..ME….to quit my job and write. To you. Why? Don’t know. What do I have? Not much. Like the boy who had just two fish. I am showing up here and trusting God for the rest.