What SHOULD I Do?
I am strangled by the “shoulds”.
I keep thinking about how I am strangled by these “shoulds” in my life. I should call that friend. I should go volunteer. I should reach out to that person. I should be praying. I should invite my neighbor over. I should donate. I should be investing or putting away more money for the future. I should be working out. I should stop eating sugar. I should be pouring words of life into my kids instead of getting frustrated at them. I should have congratulated her. I should be more grateful. I should relax, not worry so much, and not listen to all these SHOULD’s that yell so loud.
Even that last one is a “should”…ugh.
They go on an on. Those were all just yesterday’s “shoulds”. I have so many “shoulds” rattling around in my mind on a daily basis, it is crazy really. I am driven by the shoulds, but I am also shamed and guilted by them.
Here is the thing about the “shoulds”. They are good. They seem like the right thing to do. That is why they are so confusing. Because sometimes they are SO GOOD. And then, because they are right and good, sometimes you get double down voices because other people are also telling you….”You should totally invest. You should do the exercises that the doctor gave you. You should work out. You should eat better. You should go to church. You should pray for that girl.”
AAAAAK!!!!!
SOOO MANY SHOULDS! SOOO MANY VOICES!!!
I am strangled by them. I am drowning in them. I am simultaneously drowning and being strangled by the SHOULDS.
You know what is so hard? All these things, all the “shoulds”, they all take time.
They ALL take TIME.
Investments of time. And time is in short supply. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get more then 24 hours in a day. And guess what? This is both simple, and mind blowing. 24 hours isn’t enough time! There isn’t enough time in the day to do all the things I “should be doing” according to the voices. You know how I know? I just quit my job!!! So for months now I have way more time then I used to…and definitely more time than most people. I am RICH with TIME. So I thought I would have enough time for all those “shoulds”…..but I don’t. That is what makes it confusing!! I thought I could CHECK OFF THE SHOULDS and make them disappear. But I can’t. I have tried.
Also YOU think I should have enough time for all the shoulds. You have told me. “You must have so much time.” But I don’t. So now I am feeling guilty.
I do not have enough time for all the “shoulds”….even though I am rich with time.
So the guilt and the shoulds are rattling around in my mind.
I feel paralyzed.
And now jealousy overwhelms me too. Yes, I don’t have a job. But I also don’t have the luxury of a boss and a job telling me what to do. You hate your job, you tell me you’re jealous of my freedom, but I am jealous of you. Suddenly having someone else tell me what to do with my day feels like a luxury. Such clarity. Before that is how it was for me. I was driven by the job and when the shoulds rose up, I could just yell back at them, “I don’t have the TIME for THAT.” Guilt gone. I couldn’t do it, you see, but now I can. NOW, I have the time. And I cry out….becuase I don’t know what to yell back at the “shoulds” anymore…and they are piling up. They are piling up and they are strangling me. And drowning me. Both strangling and drowning at the same time.
So now what? How do I know what “shoulds” to listen to?
I’ve cried this to my husband for weeks. Can you sense my desperation? My anger? My jealous rage rising up? My plea? I feel burdened, guilty, shame, and paralyzed. When I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR MY ABUNDNACE OF TIME.
I collapse. I know this isn’t right. Or good.
THIS is NOT how it SHOULD BE.
“What am I missing Lord? What do I need to know?”
Then it dawns on me—->Jesus.
Jesus could have healed every person on the planet when he came, but he didn’t. I mean, he could have, right? If he was fully God? But he didn’t heal every person. In fact, he didn’t even do mass, large group, healings. He healed some. Some people. How did HE decide WHO?
I believe he asked God.
I believe Jesus was asking God:
“Where should I go?” “What should I do?” “Who should I heal?”
And it just makes such sense when I think about it. God sees it all. The beginning and the end. He sees your yesterday, your today, your tomorrow. He sees not just yours, but mine, and all of ours! He alone can weave the story together in a miraculous way. Not just miraculous for me, but for you too! For us BOTH, at the SAME TIME. It is crazy, but I have seen him do it. He doesn’t love me more, he actually loves you the MOST. Can you believe that?
I do. I believe He loves me. And you. SO MUCH.
The sticking point for me is trusting him. I want to. But I am just so scared. Can I trust God not to hurt me? I have been hurt by so many, even those who loved me. So I self-protect. I have been self-protecting for a long time. What if He lets me down? What if his idea of “good” is different then mine? What if I trust him, and then he hurts me? Can I stop self-protecting and put my hand out to his hand, to let him pull me up?
As I pray this, God reminds me of all the people who have loved me. Yes, there are the ones that have hurt me, but today he reminds me of the ones who have loved me well. Loved me at my worst. Loved me when I didn’t do anything to earn it. Loved me when I didn’t deserve it.
He whispers to me, “This is how I love. I sent those people to you so that you might know ME. You know ME, you know my love.”
I do know His love. It is so good.
Today I want to trust God. Today I want to pull myself out of my ball of self-protection and put my hand up to him. To let him pull me up to standing with him. Today I want to look at him and know his hand isn’t one that hits me, hurts me. His hand is the one that comforts, guides, helps, and gives. His hands are gentle and kind. Today I trust him. Today.
And you might be shouting at me “You SHOULD trust HIM!” but I don’t need to hear your shoulds anymore. I do trust him, for today. Just today. That is all I can give. And I feel peace. That seems to be enough for him. He is happy. He just asks for today.
Today I trust God.
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Let’s pray. Together if you wish.
God I know how kind you are, I’ve seen it. God, I know how loving you are, I’ve felt it. God, I know how good you are, I have experienced it. I struggle to trust you, even with all this knowing. It is so scary to trust when I’ve lived in protecting myself for so long. Help me to step out of self-protection. And Lord I have shoulds in my life. So many. And the shoulds are so loud. Bossy really. And I feel strangled by them. The shoulds are somehow drowning me and strangling me at the same time.
And God, other people are so kind, trying to give me their shoulds….because they love me and they want to help. I know, because I do it to others all the time too. I am trying to help…but I can see now that handing people “shoulds” for their life isn’t helpful. What we really need is to turn to you! To ask you!
Lord, I don’t want these loud, bossy, demanding “shoulds” in my life anymore. They are heavy. So heavy. I am tired of carrying them. They are strangling me and drowning me. I don’t know how it is both, but it is both. And I know the “shoulds” you give me will be easy and light. Right? You say if they are from you, they are easy and light.
God, help me put down every single “should” I hear. At your feet. Those in my mind, those that others have given me. They are not BAD shoulds God, some of them are SO GOOD. They are hard to put down even! Can I put them all down at your feet? Oh help me, please! I want to put down every “You should…” I have ever heard, every one I have ever carried. Today I want to put them all down. And I want to follow Jesus’ model. I want to trust you. Today I will trust you. Today. And you whisper to me, ”That is enough.” So I will believe that trusting you just for today is enough. One day at a time, right? Thank you Lord for your patience and how much you love me.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
