You Don’t Need Help

I am angry at you for doing it on your own. Suffering by yourself. Not asking for help. Turning away those that offer help. Pulling up your boot straps and pushing through, all by yourself. You process it better by yourself. You are stronger on your own. You don’t need anyone to help. You don’t need me.

And I am not a person who likes to be needed. I never did like the baby stage where they NEED me all the time. I prefer my kids independent and self-sufficient. I don’t need them to need me.

But doesn’t everyone want to feel needed sometimes?

I want to feel like I bring value to your life. When you ask me for help, you are doing me a favor. You are giving me the opportunity to serve you. God asks us to serve one another, but if you never ask for help, how can I serve you? And there is blessing in giving, but if you are always so independent, and you don’t need me, how can I ever give to you? You rob ME of the blessing of giving when you won’t let me give to you.

Why do you not want me to have a blessing? Your self-sufficient ways rob me of the blessing. I know you are not selfish. If I asked for help you would drop everything. You would be on the next plane. You would be at my door. You would give up time with your family to drop me a meal. YOU WOULD. I know you. Because you’re that kind of person…a giver…a great friend. You give to everyone all the time.

Why won’t you let me give to you?

Do you feel like you don’t deserve it? Don’t know you how valuable you are? That you deserve so much more than I could ever give? You deserve a cake…all I have is a slice. It isn’t that big, but it is something. Don’t you want a slice of cake? You say “no thank you” and I start to wonder if maybe my cake isn’t that good. Maybe you prefer other people’s cake better than mine. Don’t you realize that you rejecting what I want to give you makes me feel like you don’t like what I have to offer?

Why do you feel like you have to do it on your own?

You say that you don’t want to burden me. You don’t want to weigh me down with your problems. But I WANT to help you carry the load. That way, when my load is heavy, you can help carry mine. I help you with your load, you help me with mine. We help and serve and support one another. Give and take. I fall down, and I can call you to pull me up. You fall down, and I can help you up.

Why won’t you tell me what you are going through?

Are you embarrassed that you need help? Do you feel shame? Do you feel weak? Can’t you see that all of us are weak sometimes? All of us need help sometimes? Is your pride blocking you? Or your lie of perfection? Why can’t you share what you’re going through?

I don’t want to keep using you. You have been used by so many, but I just can’t do it. This one sided relationship it is too lopsided.

I want to help you. But you won’t let me.

So I stop calling.

Please just one time. Ask me for help just one time.

I miss you.